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I HATE EVERYTHING

Dhoniven think about missing M.S.Dhoni ! (3 minute read)

On a rainy October morning I met someone who I never thought would be an inspiring image for anyone. He started off as someone who couldn’t speak English. A completely unkempt, skinny guy who just did some stuff well. Meh! So what? Anyone can do some stuff well. A terribly shabby, uninspired soul who just knew what he wanted to do. This time, when I met him, he was an entirely changed person. But….

Continue reading “Dhoniven think about missing M.S.Dhoni ! (3 minute read)”

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My open letter to any and everyone who writes an open letter. 3 Minute Read

YOU WANT THE TRUTH ? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH ! – Jack Nicholson (A few good men)

I AM HERE TO STOP A SEVERE MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE ! – (I don’t know who, I don’t know when, or where. It was Batman maybe)

I don’t know why I said it, I just always wanted to say it.

Listen, I am having trouble grasping the concept of an open letter. What is an open letter ?

Is it open as in addressed to public ?

THEN Y U NO ADDRESS IT TO PUBLIC Y U PUT FAMOS PERSON ON THE LETTER ?

Continue reading “My open letter to any and everyone who writes an open letter. 3 Minute Read”

The elusive philosopher’s stone. 7 minute read.

My dad told me a story once that there was a man who spent his whole life looking for the philosopher’s stone. A stone that could turn anything into gold. He became old and frail. A monk, who felt pity for him, told him to look for the stone on a certain path near the monastery. The priest said, “Carry a stone with you and touch every stone on this path to the stone in your hand. Whichever stone turns it to gold, is yours to take. I don’t have much to give you, but have some food and drink the refreshing water from my well before you leave. ” he said, as he motioned to the well behind him.

The old man was so happy that he finally had found his treasure, he dismissed the monk’s suggestion and started on his journey. He labored all day and night. Nothing happened. Another day came and another day went. Another day came and another day went. Days turned into nights and nights into day and finally, the path circled back to the monastery. The Old man threw the stone at the monk’s feet and said “You lied to me. There’s no stone like the philosopher’s stone”

Much to his surprise, Continue reading “The elusive philosopher’s stone. 7 minute read.”

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How to find a Marathi Brahmin in a crowd so that you can kidnap them.

  1. Find a fair guy or girl with clear skin and a complexion to die for, with eyes that can melt the hearts of the stone-hearted. And then make eye contact. If they look at you like you killed their अण्णासाहेब, Bang on ! हेच ते ब्राह्मण ! (This happend because their minds are constantly engrossed)
  1. Say it as it is

आहो Shook shook ! मेरे डोळे का Surgery होनेका है. And रिक्षा साठी सुट्टे नाही आहेत. तुमच्या कडे पंचास Rupees आहेत काय ? I will be much obliged.”

Kidnap the first guy who takes out fifty bucks. Because no one else on the planet will follow this Hing-rathi-ish. See, it’s a requirement to be proficient in three or more languages. But only they are much too used to this language.

Continue reading “How to find a Marathi Brahmin in a crowd so that you can kidnap them.”

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Rustom Nathi Dekhvanu, Majja ni life. (4 minute read)

So I bunked office one day and went to see my new found love. I mean, Akshay Kumar. Something about him just suddenly felt different.

The following events were warning signals that we shouldn’t have gone for the movie.

  1. Reached late. Sprinted from parking to the cinema hall.
  2. Took the lift pressed 2 and waited. And waited and waited and waited some more. And thought.

“Either we are moving very fast or we are not moving at all”. Realized that the button was not pressed and the couple behind us on the lift was completely oblivious of the fact that the lift was not moving. They were busy saying “Dekha baby ? I was saying na ? Let’s take the stairs ?”

“Aww baby, my baby, shweet baby, cute baby”.

I wanted to ask “Is your baby going to cry during the movie ?”

Just then I felt a tug at my hand. My partner in crime was giving me big eyes. Like, “Can we please get through one micro event in our lives without you not embarrassing me in public ? Just one ?”

I felt intense sympathy for him. So I gulped down my words and said “OKAY” my flaring my nostrils. Continue reading “Rustom Nathi Dekhvanu, Majja ni life. (4 minute read)”

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The muted torture of an alien woman.

I have a long lost friend, just like all of us. And she pinged me on Facebook one day. Hi. Hello. Reconnect. Plan a date. Meet on said date.

We reached and hugged like the long lost friends that we were and tried to wait out the awkward silences in the conversations. So, a lot was running through my mind. You can only survive for so long by talking about How’s your mom ? Dad ? Sis ? Bro ? Uncle ? Uncle’s Dog ? Job ? Did you poop today ?

I didn’t actually ask the question but I thought about it because it got deathly boring after a point. So I stuffed my mouth with food thinking that if there’s enough food in my mouth, I wont be able to talk, ergo I wont need to ask anything new.

Continue reading “The muted torture of an alien woman.”

Whirlwind Friendships by Ranty Aunty

So, Friendship Day is right around the corner and every one has a story about how they became friends with their best buddies. I am not the soap opera kind so I’m gonna chronicle an event about how I lost a friendship.

I have very few friends, very few guy friends and even fewer girlfriends. And maybe two girls who I can get along with for the past 17 years who have not blamed me of being overly friendly with their boyfriends. Given that my hand mouth brain co-ordination is faulty, I say what comes into my head and I don’t regret it, I think you know now why I have such an infinitesimal number of friends. Coming back to the subject now. This is the story of how I lost a very sweet friend. Continue reading “Whirlwind Friendships by Ranty Aunty”

How to spot a Malayalee 6 minute read.

After the roaring success of How to find a Marathi Brahmin in a crowd, I bring to you, how to spot a Malayalee. I am cursed, I mean blessed with Malayalees all around me. My best friends, not one, not two, not even three. All of Kerala has been instructed to come to the north and find me.

I’m not sure but this is some kind of ritual. They whisper my name in the baby’s ears and then the baby rests only after finding me. Regardless…

  1. Find a group of guys/girls around Matunga east or Malad Orlem. And carry an animal with you. Any animal. Dog, cat, rat, snake, rooster, elephant, camel, rhino, hippo. But where would you find a Hippo !? So adjust, take a dog. Set the dog free. The person whose feet this canine goes and licks…ask him “Sherri ?”. If he looks up, keednaaap that Malayaliaaa. They’re hypnotic SO under no circumstances are you to make eye contact with them. And if you don’t want to get beaten up, I would suggest, refrain from calling them “Mallus”.

Continue reading “How to spot a Malayalee 6 minute read.”

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