I am officially exhausted from the eve of Women’s Day. All this pink around me is genuinely giving me pink eye. I feel like I am in Barbieland for God’s sake. I don’t really know who associated pink with women and or feminism. But whoever did it, deserves to be beaten in a public square with a pink leash.
Regardless, let me quickly get to the point. So, on the eve of Women’s day, I decided to conduct a little experiment of my own. I set out of home on the 7th of March to see what exactly happens to women on days before and after women’s day. I stepped out of home thinking, it’s going to be a regular day. Shockingly, it wasn’t.
While stepping out of my building, I instructed my neighbor “Hey, could you please park a little bit ahead ? My car blocks our gate otherwise, it could really lead to a problem in an emergency”. She smiled and nodded at me. “Phew ! That was easy”.
I called the watchman, who looked at me like the arrogant, good-for-nothing, “aawaara” woman that I am, and asked delightfully rudely “KYA HUA MAIDUM !” I thought “MAI-DUM hi hu ! To have spoken to talk to him this morning !?”.
“Bhaiyya, please take an Amazon parcel for me”… His eyes went wide with surprise as he asked me “AUR EK ?…” and mumbled something under his breath. When I asked him to repeat what he said, he said, “Too many parcels coming in.. I cannot accept them”..Yeah, I am the small minded, character less woman who arrives home at 2 am and sees the night watchman asleep, happily snoring at the front gate in broad street light.I click a picture and send it to my secretary who is a woman, who fires that watchman and hires a new one. If my parcel goes back, I’ll kill you you little shit.
Women na, I tell you, they’re so dumb.– All the building’s night watchemen organisation.
Moving on. As I got out of my lane trying to hail a rickshaw, I saw one giant poster, a relic from the recent elections, “Congratulations to wife of Mr. X for the blah blah blah” ha ? Achcha ? She doesn’t have a name ! I feel so bad.
I realized I was being ultra bitchy and thought, hey, I should calm down. Maybe visit some kind of spiritual place…what’s that called again ? TEMPLE ! Yeah ! I’ll go to a temple, which is literally two steps away from that hoarding. Instantly, my mind went to the thought “Is it that time of the month ?” as if, it were drilled into my head. As if on cue, there it was, written in bold letters,
“WOMEN HAVING THEIR PERIODS CANNOT ENTER THE TEMPLE.PREGNANT WOMEN BELOW 4 MONTHS CANNOT ENTER THE TEMPLE”.—- All the “we have a dick, we make the rules”holy baba people.
Of course, not in these “blatant” words but they seemed quite blatant to me. What I did next, might hurt quite a few religious sentiments, but considering that I wasn’t struck by lightning, wasn’t killed by a half man-half animal being or wasn’t crushed by a falling tree and did not summon the apocalypse on my overly urbanized city, I thought it was quite okay. Besides, what’s happening inside my body is not your problem unless it’s growing teeth and gnawing at your face. That’s called a baby.
A very subtle lordly,” HOLY” man once told me the true reason why women are not allowed in temples during their period (Did you cringe? Because if you did, stop reading right now). He said, there’s a radiance about women during these days, so if they do go outdoors, they lose their radiance.
YO, MR. BABA, FIRSTLY, I CAN BUY RADIANCE IN A 20ML BOTTLE AT A CHEMIST’S SHOP. ITS CALLED AN ANTI AGEING CREAM.
AND SECONDLY, RADIANCE? WHAT RADIANCE? WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD A SUDDEN A VIOLENT DROP IN HORMONES MAKE ME MORE RADIANT!? HEH? IF AT ALL, IT TAKES AWAY THE BACHA KUCHA RADIANCE AND ABOUT 600 STRANDS OF HAIR EVERYDAY. AND OF COURSE IT’S LIKE A BATTLEFFIELD BECAUSE THERE IS LITERALLY A RIVER OF BLOOD (I told you to stop reading if you cringed).
Well, myth busted, I am still alive, no flaming asteroids making their way towards Earth yet…I’ll keep you posted.
Yeah… Not kidding. I had never really realized or bothered about this. Besides, to protect my radiance that day, I had covered my face and neck with a scarf which was obviously oversized enough to cover everything until my stomach. I was wearing a worn out Captain America Tshirt and a decent pair of jeans with a backpack that could rival Everest climber’s rucksacks.
After this very enlightening experience, I couldn’t wait to get off and go to work where I knew I was surrounded by educated people. Or so I thought…
As soon as I entered, I had apparently interrupted a very important “Women’s DAY” celebration meeting which was why I was instantly pulled into a whirlpool of discussions about what “what games to play during office hours”. Yeeeeiiiiiiiishhhh.
Eeeeekkkkk khikhikhikhi, hehehehehhehe, huhuhuhuhhu, ahhahhhhhha, awwwww, so cute — all women planning an exciting get together.
After being welcomed by this unnervingly lovable Chai-wala, someone yelled,“ALL THE PRETTY LADIES IN HOUSE, <name>’s HERE SO LOOSEN UP YOUR BLOUSE”
MY MIND WAS SCREAMING“HEY <name> IN THE HOUSE…NO ONE’S LOOSENING THEIR BLOUSECUZ YOU’RE A BIG SCHMUCK ….AND WE DON’T GIVE A …..RAT’S ASS.”
I don’t know, I am not the best at rapping.
Just then I received a text from an old colleague.
THE INEVITABLE HAD BEGAN. “HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY. I salute your…” Nowadays whatsapp has become a very convenient way of stalking people in the digital universe whether it yields true or false info is another matter entirely.
Oh good Lord in the blue heaven let there be lava rain tomorrow and let the rain kill me so that I dont have to listen to this A grade crap anymore. Please God I beg you. If I have to see one more message about women empowerment, I will staple their fingers to each other and glue their mouth shut.
In the same text he also asked me, “YOU LOOK THINNER IN YOUR DP, DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT ? AND WHO ARE THESE CUTE BABIES IN YOUR DP ? YOUR BABIES ? GOOD NEWS ?”
NO, I BOUGHT THESE BABIES. FROM AMAZON. 50 RUPEES PER KILO. BUT I GOT THE WOMEN’S DAY BOGO OFFER. EK PE EK FREE.24 HOURS PRIME DELIVERY. 100 RUPEES EXTRA FOR DELIVERY. YOU WANT ONE ?
GOOD NEWS IS, I AM STARTING A POOP FACTORY. ORGANIC POOP. FROM THESE TWO BABIES. TO BE FLUNG AT FACES LIKE YOURS. TUJHE KYA KARNA HAI KISKA BABIES HAI !? DUKKAR KE PILLE ?
We’ve come a long way and we have a long way to go before its a Happy Fucking Women’s Day !