1. Find a fair guy or girl with clear skin and a complexion to die for, with eyes that can melt the hearts of the stone-hearted. And then make eye contact. If they look at you like you killed their अण्णासाहेब, Bang on ! हेच ते ब्राह्मण ! (This happend because their minds are constantly engrossed)
  1. Say it as it is

आहो Shook shook ! मेरे डोळे का Surgery होनेका है. And रिक्षा साठी सुट्टे नाही आहेत. तुमच्या कडे पंचास Rupees आहेत काय ? I will be much obliged.”

Kidnap the first guy who takes out fifty bucks. Because no one else on the planet will follow this Hing-rathi-ish. See, it’s a requirement to be proficient in three or more languages. But only they are much too used to this language.

  1. Get them to pronounce, Gadgil or Koliwada or Takshshila or Juhu or Tilak. If they pronounce it as गाडगीळ, कोळीवाडा, तक्षशिला, or ZOOHOO or टिळक. Kidnap karlo ! Because their conscience will not allow them to mispronounce words at all ! Not even by mistake.
  1. In case of ladies, keep two pants in front of them and ask them to say “These are two pants”

If they say “ या दोन panty आहेत !” They’re Marathi alright ! And, to confirm if they are Brahmins, keep to panties in front of them, if they say, “या दोन pantya आहेत !” Bang on ! चरण स्पर्श मावशी ! किडनॅप करू का ?

  1. If they have learnt at least one performance art form, or are married to a performer, or have a brother/sister/husband/wife/mother/father/Uncle/aunt/ pet etc who is into classical Indian music, kidnap that genius. Technically this can be anyone. But you can follow step number 2 ,3,4, or 7 to further narrow it down to Marathi and then Brahmins.
  1. Ask them a question.

Example : How to get to Churchgate ?

He replies in impeccable English with an accent, “टेक ए फास्ट ट्रेन अँड गेट ऑफ ऐट दि लास्ट स्टॉप ”

Are you sure ?

ho

Are you sure ?

ho

Nakki ?

(This is where the differentiation occurs. If the guy is Marathi, he will probably give you one of the following responses,

चायला डोक्यात जाऊ नकोस …..

अर्रे हो रे …….

डोक्यावर पडला आहेस का ?…….

जातोस कि देऊ एक कानाखाली)

But if he answers “होययय” in the most teacher like accent that they can ! Pakda pakda !

 

  1. Go to their house, and point at a random bedsheet. Ask “What it this ?”

If the answer is in the vicinity of अंथरूण / पांघरूण, Put that अंथरूण / पांघरूण on their head and kidnap them.

 

  1. Ask them their surname. If you are a non-Marathi and you have one or less than one acquaintance of this surname, just catch that Brahmin !

Acharya, Agnihotri, Agarkar, Atre, Joshi, Kulkarni, Saraf, Barve, Jagdale, Bhargav, Puranik, Dharmadhikari, Kale, Gore, Bagle,Nerurkar, Deo, Deosthali, Dhekne, Dhotre, Dolas, Fadnavis, Ghotikar, Indurkar, Joglekar, Mahajan, Gadgil etc

Seriously … most of them live in packs. They travel in packs. Getting into these packs is very difficult. They make you recite the Gayatri mantra, quizzes about the Vedas and they torture you until you can pronounce their surname correctly. Those who can make it through this to the other end can eat some Puran poli with saajuk tuup.

  1. Ask them if they have ever been skydiving or snorkeling or to the gym. If the conversation inevitably makes its way to Patriotism, social reform, importance of education or Shivaji Maharaj to say the least. Utha lo ! Utha lo inko !
  1. Last but not the least, put some chloroform on a hanky and shout out the first line of a lame joke.

Example : Why does the crow fly in a straight line ?

Whoever answers “Because तो म्हणतो का-वळा” and falls down laughing, just put the hanky on his face and let the chloroform do its work.

But why kidnap them you ask ?

Because they will be the most entertaining, bright, supportive characters in your life !

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