So I bunked office one day and went to see my new found love. I mean, Akshay Kumar. Something about him just suddenly felt different.

The following events were warning signals that we shouldn’t have gone for the movie.

  1. Reached late. Sprinted from parking to the cinema hall.
  2. Took the lift pressed 2 and waited. And waited and waited and waited some more. And thought.

“Either we are moving very fast or we are not moving at all”. Realized that the button was not pressed and the couple behind us on the lift was completely oblivious of the fact that the lift was not moving. They were busy saying “Dekha baby ? I was saying na ? Let’s take the stairs ?”

“Aww baby, my baby, shweet baby, cute baby”.

I wanted to ask “Is your baby going to cry during the movie ?”

Just then I felt a tug at my hand. My partner in crime was giving me big eyes. Like, “Can we please get through one micro event in our lives without you not embarrassing me in public ? Just one ?”

I felt intense sympathy for him. So I gulped down my words and said “OKAY” my flaring my nostrils.

  1. Regardless, we reached the theatre stairs and the notice “Please Stand For Our National Anthem” came up. So I quickened my pace and climbed two steps at a time. And got caught in a gymnastic stance at the end. One leg on the top step. One on the third step. With my hands on my sides. And Dipa Karmakar came on screen in the exact same position. I wanted to hi-fi her. Everyday walking is like the Olympics for me.

Okay. So now start movie. But wait, let’s watch some mindless trailers.

Watched the ‪#‎BaarBaarDekho trailer.

Ek din mein dus din, Do din mein do saal, Teen din mein sola..

Brought back horrendous pathetic stomach aches ‪#‎MathematicalProgressions. Instantaneously reached for the calculator and started calculating and remembered. “BUT WAIT ! I FINISHED MY EDUCATION”

Finally after a lot of mind numbing, repetitive ads, the movie started. Disclaimer says, this movie is not based on any real events and any resemblance to real life characters is a co-incidence.

Wait but…

Rustom Pavri case K. M. Nanavati case
Parsi Navy man, English woman Parsi Navy man, English woman
Wife has extra marital affair with family friend Wife has extra marital affair with family friend
Husband kills wife’s lover in rage Husband kills wife’s lover in rage
Surrenders at Police station Surrenders at Police station
Jury was swayed by a publication Jury was swayed by the publication
Wins case 8 to 1 Wins case 8 to 1
Rustom is akshay Kumar He looks like Akshay Kumar

 

Dhan dhan dhaaaaaaan….. ! But Rustom is not based on the Nanavati case.

Why ?

I’ll tell you why. Because, Becausssseee, Beee…..caauuuuusssseeee….., Bee—to—the—causeee…..,

OK FINE ! I DON’T KNOW OKAY ? If the fucking movie is not fucking based on the fucking case, then why the fuck is it said that it is fucking based on the fucking case?

The first half is pretty straight forward. The whole story is exactly how the Nanavati case happened. BUT ! THE MOVIE IS NOT BASED ON THE NANAVATI CASE.

Akshay Kumar looks hot. Of course man ! Acts well and has taken the perfect stance of a Naval officer.

I love Ileana D’cruz. She’s perfect. She’s the doe eyed pretty woman who is sensitive and caring and smart and all other bull shit. But I think the make-up department had some extra make up left over from the other shoot which had an expiry date so they used up all their rouge on her. On her cheeks, nose, chin, forehead, everywhere ! Arre !? Who has a red chin ? tell me ? Show me one woman with a naturally red chin and she’s not suffering from debilitating skin disorder.

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RED ! SO MUCH RED !

Babuji from KHICHADI TV series is the Judge. I looked at him and started laughing. I won a bet worth 50 bucks because I had guessed this in the trailer itself.

Sachin Khedekar is more like Sachin Khede-mat-kar. On second thought, kuch bhi math kar. Such a super powerful actor, wasted on a miniscule part of a joker. UN-COOL.

Esha Gupta, pouty lips, faux smouldering eyes, deep necklines, hair set with one litre hair gel.

The journalist, Kumud Mishra provides some comic relief along with Usha Nadkrani. But don’t expect to fall off your chair. Yes, you can fall off your chair when Ileana D’cruz sprains her leg one night and walks like a model the next morning. Or, you can laugh at the fact that Pawan Malhotra reminds me of Mufasa from the lion king. Why ? Ummm… I don’t know… Maybe because of the digital enhancement to erase the wrinkles from his face ? I don’t know. He looks like someone ran a steam iron on his face and then hit him with a frying pan. Another amazing actor, wasted.

The music is good. Arijit singh sings like a dream.

Towards the end of the movie, there are so many super close ups of Akshay Kumar, I leaned in to my friend and said, “What’s happening to Akshay’s super thin moustache? Is it trying to self-destruct?” He replied, “Hmmm must be. Because sure as hell, his razor is a bad one since I can see a stubble”. CUE UNCONTROLLED MUFFLED LAUGHTER.

The close up shots were so close that I saw, what seemed like, a very happy family of bacteria celebrating their son’s graduation from the Bacilli Academy of Infections, on Akshay Kumar’s face. Oh what joy ! I fell asleep at that moment and I woke up to a Viral gymming session happening on Esha Guptas face and then I wished I hadn’t woken up at all.

Fell asleep again, by God’s grace and his ever forgiving nature, I woke up just before the lights came on. Phew !

All in all, if the theatre can give you half a ticket, you can go watch the first half of Rustom. Second half, you can send in any of your bacteriologist/virologist friends. They’ll probably learn something from the close ups.

Google Nanavati case… You will end up saving 300 bucks and you will get entertained more than watching Rustom. Then go watch A FEW GOOD MEN after or maybe JAANE BHI DO YAARO. It’ll wash off this review from your brain.

It gives me great pleasure that I saved Parsi New Year by telling my friends this !
PRO TIP : Dont look at Akshay Kumar’s pictures in Rustom. He’ll hypnotize you into watching. 

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