After the roaring success of How to find a Marathi Brahmin in a crowd, I bring to you, how to spot a Malayalee. I am cursed, I mean blessed with Malayalees all around me. My best friends, not one, not two, not even three. All of Kerala has been instructed to come to the north and find me.
I’m not sure but this is some kind of ritual. They whisper my name in the baby’s ears and then the baby rests only after finding me. Regardless…
- Find a group of guys/girls around Matunga east or Malad Orlem. And carry an animal with you. Any animal. Dog, cat, rat, snake, rooster, elephant, camel, rhino, hippo. But where would you find a Hippo !? So adjust, take a dog. Set the dog free. The person whose feet this canine goes and licks…ask him “Sherri ?”. If he looks up, keednaaap that Malayaliaaa. They’re hypnotic SO under no circumstances are you to make eye contact with them. And if you don’t want to get beaten up, I would suggest, refrain from calling them “Mallus”.
- Put your heart and soul into something. Labour over it for days, weeks, years even. Give up food in that passion, forget your family. Then take your creation in public. Amidst the “Wow ! Amazing ! BEAUTIFUL !” If someone stares at it for 563 minutes and eventually says, “Its okay”, catch that Malayalee. They’re not mean, okay ? They’re just not used to expressing their feelings. At all. Ever. Never ever.
- You smell coconut ? Yep. Coconut hair oil, coconut perfume, coconut chips, coconut cola, coconut key chain. Nuts for coconuts. Don’t even ask. Offer them a coconut. Coconuts are their weapon of choice for assassinations too. My best friend’s mom killed his chick with a coconut.
Oh God. Shut your face. Not a real chick. It was a chick. As in the bird. The chick didn’t know what hit it. Quite literally.
- Buy beef fry and put it on a looong stick. Dangle it off a cliff. The malayalee will not come alone. He will come with a gang of people. Half of them will stand under the cliff, the rest will come and bash you up for giving them a heart attack.
They’ll also take you to the hospital and then stay there and make friends with the nurse.
Caution : This tactic can by used only if you want to make a GROUP of friends. Once you are in the group, there is absolutely, no getting out. Life time supply of Achappams, Unniappams, Benana Chibs, Avial…And lifetime arguments over whose house to go to on Onam.
- I seriously don’t know what is up with their names. I mean, I have some acquaintances who are Malayalees and they have beautiful names. Marlin reminds me of Monroe. Sanjith, Ranjith, Suresh, Manoj, Sanjay, Sunil,Anju, Lily, John, Joseph, Oscar, Mary, … Wow.. all good. All of them mean something. But the rest !?
Rijo, Lijo, Chinni, Linu, Remi, Renni.
I think Keralites name their children on Scrabble tiles. And they leave the tiles near their babies feet. And wait for the baby to kick. Whatever is left on the board, make a name ! And use that as a template for all others hence forth. No more than one alphabet can be changed in the subsequent children. Addition of one or maybe 2 syllables is allowed. So yeah… Spot these… Guarantee Malayalee hai.
My best friend would tell me, “You know what my cousin sister did ?”
I would ask very excitedly. “Which sister ? Jenny ? Jemi ? JiJi ? Liju ? Remi ? Reji ?”
“Shut your mouth ! Liju is my brother ! You idiot ! You dont listen to me properly and then you go make your own assumptions. Liju is my brother, Liji is my sister. You dont know anything. Shut up. Jest Shut up”
*slow claps for her over reaction. To add to which I started keeping a roster with all these names. I was too scared to make a mistake after that. One syllable can change a lot.*
- Go to a premiere education institute… Any field. Any … Really .. and shout I hate Mohanlal, that malayali actor. Or Mamooty. No one will come to beat you up. Believe me. The most dosa-il …oops… I mean docile characters standing in the background looking cute and cuddly saying “Thees is not done. Unnfair”. First you go and you hug them. And then you say sorry, I don’t hate Mohanlal. I love him. The malayalee will look at you with teary eyed puppy dog expression and say “Really ? Why u said you didn’t !?”..
Then you have this person for life.
- Sorry but I have to take this.
Start singing A,B,C, D,E,F, G…. Invite everyone to sing… Come on every one !
H,I,J,K, yell, yem, yen, wo, pee.
Catch him ! Catch him now !
Or just ask, what comes before B…
Before B… Umm. Yay ?
Yay ! We got the malayali !
- Ask very politely, “Is your mom a nurse ?”
So she will be able to treat my wounds after I kidnap you ?
- Onam day, See, find a guy in a lungi. You know, that white colour lungi… With golden border…
Tell him “Hey, nice lungi”
If he thunders, “Its not a lungi. It’s a mundu. Donthu knnow D difference betweenn a Mundu and a lungi !” That is the worst time to capture a malayali. Because they’re so enraged that they’ll probably claw their way out of a steel trunk. Wait for ten minutes. After the subject has prayed and had payasam in the temble, approach target.
“Hey man sorry for earlier. Here’s my Payasam. Truce ?” (Spike that payasam before hand)
- If you are absolutely desperately looking for a Malayalee and can’t find one, take a flight to the gelf. Tell them a stupid joke. The stupidest joke you can think of… Like…
What is an awesome Malayalee called ?
A PHENO-MENON…. !
The one whose smile makes your heart miss a beat ? You’re mine Malayalee !
Guys, I’m going to hell for this for sure. But my bestest friends and my closest family members are Malayalees so, I guess all I have to do is, have my friends read this and wait for the coconuts to come flying my way… That will be my punishment.They end up being the most generous, large hearted, forgiving (I hope) people who are absolutely dependable and keep you safe for the rest of your life.
Plus, look at this guy. Who the fuck looks this good when they’re angry ? WTF is this sorcery !?
Yeh kya hai !? Kya hai yeh !? Yeh hai Kya !? Hai yeh kya !? Hai kya yeh !?
I mean ! Damn you beautiful thing you ! If anyone kidnaps this Malayalee, bring him to me. I have some unfinished business with this guy…Or else…
Love you Sales with an H, Anj, S, M, Rajnikanth, Jojo and all you crazy God’s own countrymen.
I cannot thank you enough M and Rajnikanth for having brought two more Malayalees in this world. Hopefully their crawls will be shorter than the other Kerala babies. This post is for Cheeks and Meeks ❤.Our very own Keralite Krakens to train.